An Open Letter on Saturn Returns and Limits

Hi everyone. It’s Amelia here.

I just wanted to say thank you for your kind support over the last month or so as I’ve been recovering from a major neck injury. Every time I see one of your sweet messages, I smile.

I’ve talked about what’s been going on via Twitter, but wanted to give you something a little more in-depth as I go through this experience. You’ve been something of a family to me for the last three years, so it’s the least I can do.

In short, there’s a disc out of place in my neck. Most days, it feels like this:

For years, I’d fretted over how my Saturn Return would show up. It started a little over a month ago in my first house of self. I've grown to love my personal identity, and I didn't want that to change with this transit. True to astrological form, my Saturn Return arrived in the one classic first house area I hadn’t accounted for: my body. 

It took a month and a half to get a diagnosis. Indeed, Saturn events move slowly, with many delays. During that month, I couldn’t do much. I put on a nice face, but everything hurt. Sitting, standing, lying down. I white knuckled it for the most part, because the medications made me sleepy, and I like to work.

I worked more than I should have. I played shows and carried my gear and danced. It didn’t help. Eventually the doctors told me I had to stop. No more lifting, less moving. I scaled back. Then the smaller things started to bother me. My fingers tingle as I touch the keyboard. I have to use my left hand to turn the key in the lock now when I get home from more and more appointments. 

I feel guilty, because to any onlooker, spending all day in bed writing sounds like a comically easy profession; however, the pain is always there. It dulls my thoughts, and dictates when I can and can’t produce good work. I’m learning to work around it, but it’s new. Navigating it is going to take time. From what I understand, this could take a few months to a few years to improve.

On top of that, some of the bones in my neck look arthritic, which is unusual for someone my age. They’re still looking for the cause, which means more tests and more doctors. They’re nervous about it, and so am I, but I’m hoping it’s nothing. I’m worried it’s not.

Today, my doctor told me I have to take three days off to do nothing. I agreed, if reluctantly.

But, we do what we must. Saturn Returns are about restriction, and if I keep pushing my limits, I won’t be able to heal. There is a time to expand, and a time to contract. I’m a Sagittarius rising, so I prefer the former, but I’m ready to do the latter wholeheartedly. As I explore this new territory, I’m grateful to people like Esmé Wang for sharing her experience with creativity with limitations. It’s good to know I’m not going it alone. 

So, I’m scaling back and making edits to my life where necessary. I want to say yes to everything and keep going as if everything were “normal”, but I recognize that it’s physically impossible to do it all--even if you have the best intentions. I’ve never been good at that part, and I apologize for anything that’s gotten lost in translation.

Here’s what that means for The Midheaven:

  • The Jupiter Field Guide is delayed until October 1. You can still pre-order here, and I’m adding a few surprises to make it worth your wait. 
  • I may hop on Twitter here or there, but I’ll be out of the office until Thursday. If it is urgent, contact hello@themidheaven.com and Zach will get back to you.

Again, thank you so much for your generous comments. As I've said before, I'm not good at asking for help, but any positive vibes, candles, and general well wishes are welcome. I'll be in touch as things develop. In the meantime, I'll be over here, writing my way out.

In spirit! xx